The Ass Specialist

I had a client the other day who was completely silent and docile from go.
"Hi there! I'm Jen... I'll be your therapist. How are you?"
"Hi."
...leading her downstairs to my massage portal...
"So what can I do for you today?"
"You know. Standard.".......she shrugs..... avoids eye contact.......
"Excellent." *sigh* "Now, if you could just undress..." etc. etc. etc.
45 minutes into the treatment I was off in another world entirely, probably envisioning myself kung fu kicking or drinking up beautiful prose on a stone bridge in italy... creating stone jewelry in a rainforest in Brazil maybe....
and then:
"HEY! YOU MIGHT BE THE RIGHT PERSON TO ASK!!!..." She swung her head to the side to look at me as I traversed the upper edge of her glutes. I couldn't imagine her being this boistrous at her own wedding, so palpable was the enthusiasm.
"Oh my. Bring it." I said, thrilled to be solicited for brain useage.
Her voice got louder..
"HOW DO YOU GET RID OF PIMPLES ON YOUR BUTT?"?
"Me?" I said, cocking my head to the side to meet her eyes "I don't..."
"No. Me! How do I? How would I??"
I looked at the towel covered rump, next in line to be caressed by my hands.
"Wow. I. Yeah. I never envisioned being a person who would be "the right person" to ask that question to...ummm... lets see..."
The advice that I pulled from my *flawlessly complexed* ass was:
1. Exfoliate the ass
2. Wear cotton underwear. Wear vibrantly colored cotton underwear. (my chakras made me say it)
3. Douse the ass in tea tree oil.
4. Use natural laundry detergent

When I got home I did a quick google search ("how rid butt pimples") to cross reference my "expert advice."
Turns out I was the right person to ask, however one website offered a few suggestions that I didn't think of:
"Squeezing your butt pimples is something you can do without. All you need to do is cleansing the butt area 2-3 times a day but of course with an odorless soap or a specific acne cleanser that has no harsh chemicals whatsoever. An ointment rich in benzyl peroxide or salicylic acid is ideal for drying up butt acne."- http://ezinearticles.com
good to know.

I want to be the right person to ask basically anything but that. Anything buttttt that!!!